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Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in Melody's LiveJournal:

Thursday, July 29th, 2004
3:38 pm
writing something true
Jed McKenna wrote of a process he called Autolysis.

He defined it as writing until you finally write something 'true'.

that's what I'm going to attempt to do here.
3:23 pm
unconsciously seeking authorization
It's been four years since I've used this journal.

Until recent events I hadn't even given it a second thought.

But with some realizations of late, I'm inclined to find
a more quiet corner to write these thoughts of mine -
rather than using large public email lists.

It's really hit me today that so much of what has driven
my e-list participations was a kind of unconscious drive
to somehow receive 'authorization' by people to focus
as I have been these past years on facing old 'demons'
of the past, and allowing them die.

I'm seeing how even as I have been refusing, on one
hand, to accept anyone else as 'authority' of Melody,
insisting that I be allowed to follow my own instinctual
nature,

that I've, underneath it all, been seeking external
authorization to do so.

What a kick in the pants to finally see this. Such a
double bind!

My goodness.

Kind of takes the energy out of e-list participation!


And, yet, even as I see this, there is the recognition that writing
tends to really help me move more deeply into things,

and so, with that, I re-discover my Journal here.
Saturday, June 17th, 2000
9:35 am
free to listen
These past few days have been days of celebration. More and more there is a sense of the loosening of old shackles and chains. One of the more surprising and delightful outcomes of this freer movement is the recognition that I don't know what is in another's mind or heart.

I'm laughing lately at how often I haven't a clue what another intends or means by what (s)he says or writes. I just keep laughing about it. For as long as I can remember, I was always SO SURE I knew what the other "meant".

It's simply such a delight....a marvelous delight....to sit silently enough to watch words play upon a screen.....and not know .....to HAVE TO ASK! about the intention and 'message' of the speaker.

It is freedom to listen with both ears...to enter deeper dialogue

..... to lean forward into a conversation

.....freedom to listen to more than my own
self speaking

only to discover that this world is far more interesting than I ever imagined.

Thursday, June 15th, 2000
9:01 am
I sat down to write this morning, and found myself censoring what I would say here. I found myself screening out thoughts to share....not because they weren't interesting, or authentic, but because of how it would 'look'.

I then drew my Osho Zen Tarot card for the day, and danged I didn't get busted. I drew the card: Politician. In part it reads,

" Your politicians live double lives, your priests live double lives--one from the front door, the other from the back door. And the back-door life is their real life. Those front-door smiles are just false, those faces looking so innocent are just cultivated. If you want to see the reality of the politician you will have to see him from his back door."

I am reminded of how I chose to use this forum......as a vehicle of unrestrained and unsculpted expression, and not as an avenue to cultivate yet another public image.

With that said, I share what was calling earlier to be spoken, but filtered out. It seems rather silly, now....that I would refuse such a small thing:

This morning I awoke tired. It feels as if I'm a pot of stew, and I've been stirred
day and night.....and a part of me is wanting time for everything to settle back down again.
And yet another part says: if you don't keep stirring, things will settle to the bottom and get 'stuck' there again.

That statement seems to resolve the inner resistance .....agreeing to open to whatever
unfolds today.....even if it unfolds inside a tired body.



Wednesday, June 14th, 2000
9:09 pm
Reflecting:

on my earlier experience today, I'm reminded of the meditation
circle I belonged to in New Mexico.....and how easily...just by
sitting in the middle of a circle of women....I could fall into trance.

There was never any type of induction needed....simply my
sitting still and then following the body....allowing the body to
move anyway, anywhere it wanted. Without fail, a story would
begin to unfold, as if it was being told 'thru' me.... and often I
would share it aloud as it bubbled forth.

I can't begin to express how marvelous
that was. It brings tears to my eyes as I recall it.

Today, I realize, sitting here at my journal, surrounded by my
circle of 'journal friends', was very much like those days.

We have spoken before of the potential of cyberspace....
of connecting in ways beyond our ability to imagine. Today
it feels I began to stretch into that realm of heretofore
unimagined possibility.
5:46 pm
Observing windchimes....

Exquisitely carved,
crafted with care,

they have no life
of their own.

With no roots, no anchors,
nothing to restrain them,

they are still.

Motionless.
Silent

...until the
Breath of Life
moves thru them.

Dancing,

they sing in celebration

wherever Life happens
to move them.

12:45 pm
I'm back. Whew!

I'm not sure if I'm ready to say this to myself, much less to anyone else, but
what an experience I've just had. And for somereason, I'm wishing I could talk to
Gene Poole right now about it....sensing somehow that Gene will understand.

After running the routine finding myself saying, "What if God doesn't love me?"
I immediately felt the energy in my body shift. It was as if I was on drugs or something.
I felt very still, and kind of numb.

So, following the body, I ran a routine about my feeling numb. By the time I was
finished I felt SO STILl....as if somehow the body was going thru a subtle kind
of paralysis...where it would take great effort to move. So I just sat still.
And then....it was as if someone was working on my body....from my back
side....as if invisible hands were on my shoulders and reaching down my
spine....and somehow massaging the energy somehow.


I just kept still for a while and then I felt this movement of
energy moving up my spine.....kind of tingling. It went up
to my shoulder blades. And then I began sensing this stuff
....gosh, as if I were on acid or something....sensing I was an
ant of somekind...or like a mantis. You know, big head and
long skinny arms. And I was walking around eating food...
as if I was on the ground. It was the strangest feeling.
Being an 'ant'....moving like an ant...but knowing I wasn't
an ant.....knowing I was just having an experience of
being an ant. It was really stange in that even though I
was this ant, I still had these thoughts running thru me...
thoughts that weren't the ant's thoughts, no. But thoughts
about my being an ant.

I'm going to sit with this a bit, but my immediate impression
is that this was a teaching in detachment....in recognizing
that 'I' am not in the form I keep, and strangely, at the same
time, that 'I' am not in the thoughts I think.

What comes to me now is the question, "If
I'm not the body I'm residing in, then who
is it that is afraid that God won't love her?"

The area between my shoulder blades is still tight and sore.
And I feel as though I could sleep. Even though I have other
work to do, I think I'll follow the body's cue to rest.
11:56 am
I come to this journal, not knowing what I'll write
....and I love to write this way. I remember how I
used to write poetry that way....simply sitting down
and letting a feeling or thought or image bubble up,
and then go with whatever arises. It occurs to
me now how I have let my poetry fall away....how
I simply stopped sitting ....waiting for it to come.

I'll sit still a moment and simply wait.

"No!" my mind says, "what if nothing comes?".

It occurs to me now to run my EFT routine right here,
right now on this fear.....right now, while it's
here in my throat.

I haven't even run it yet, and I'm finding that
the statement comes out in a most surprising
way,

"What if God has nothing to say to me?"

I can feel my body tensing up...especially between
my shoulder blades. There's definately some other
'statement' underneath this one, but I'll stop here
right now, and work with what's already risen up.

Back later.



Tuesday, June 13th, 2000
10:48 am
Good morning to me.....

Thanks to David and Jerry, I now have a marvelous new tool.

Last night I ran several EFT routines and found them having
an effect even before I finished them. Even though EFT stands
for Emotional Freedom Technology, I'm finding some pretty
amazing results focusing on my physical body. The nighttime
foot aches have all but disappeared these last few days.
No more wearing three pairs of socks to bed! Hurray!

Last night I focused on opening the Heart meridians. Before
I even finished the first part of the routine, I began once again
to have a feeling sensation in my chest. I cried in gratitude that
it could be so easy. I guess it always was, eh?

What really made me cry was this morning when Joseph
came down the stairs. He was so lighthearted...and smiling!

Joseph had been moody, and closed-off from me for days
now. Before this morning I could hardly get more than a
grunt and a shrug from him lately.

So when he comes downstairs smiling and kidding, I cry. Not
only because I see that he is happy, but because I know that
he is linked to me in ways I cannot begin to understand. I cry
because I have seen time and time again how he reflects my
own inner space.....and how seeing that drives me to keep mine as
clear as possible.....for his sake, for mine, and for the benefit of
everyone I meet.
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